You have created the toxic cycles / situations you find yourself in, and you get off on them.
Yes, that's right.
Those shitty men you keep attracting. That voice in your head constantly telling you you’re not good enough. Your partner never having time for your pleasure...
You created those, because they are a major fucking turn on for you.
WTF Chloe I don’t like being rejected, made to feel I’m unattractive etc etc etc.
I believe you don’t consciously like those things. But I’m telling you, your subconscious fucking froffs it.
And it froffs it (gets off on for non Aussies) because by experiencing these things time and time again your subconscious mind gets to fulfil the limiting beliefs that you have been harboring about yourself for, well, possibly forever.
Let me explain what I mean with a personal story...
I was abandoned by my father when I was the size of a pea in my mothers womb. I never knew him, my mother and family never spoke of him. All I knew was that I didn’t have a Dad like all my friends did. And so, as a little girl, my subconscious came to the conclusion that I must not have a Dad because I had done something wrong, that he didn’t love me.
I formed the belief that the main male figure in my life didn’t want me and I was therefore abandoned and unlovable.
Zoom forward to my 20’s, I begin to seek a main male figure in my life in the form of an intimate partner.
I started dating, meeting men out, and matching men on Tinder. In every single man a different version of the same story happened - they would tell me they didn’t want a serious relationship, they would ghost me, or deep into the relationship were still unable to say those three words I so desperately wanted to hear - I love you.
AKA my unconscious magnetised me to men who would fulfill my inner child's belief that the main male figures in my life don’t want me and abandon me.
Damn. That’s some freaky shit.
So what then is the part about getting off on it?
Well that's when we get reallllll nasty, you see every time my belief that I was unlovable and abandoned by men my subconscious had a party - being abandoned is HOT, it would shout.
My nervous system would be sent into chaos and I was unconsciously enthralled by the heart racing sensations of a gash in my heart and the black hole of loneliness within me. I associated those sensations as my experience of love.
Of course I didn’t know or possibly believe that this was the case, I wanted love SO BAD, I wanted to be CHOSEN. I wanted to be THE ON.
So instead of taking responsibility I believed that the Universe must hate me, or that more than likely I was cursed.
I rejected the responsibility that these relentless repeats in the form of different men were entirely of my creation.
Until one day I couldn’t deny it anymore.
In the span of three months eight different men abandoned and rejected me so similarly that I simply couldn’t, wouldn’t deny it anymore. I had stopped believing in coincidences and this was one ugly ‘coincidence’.
I had a choice. I could keep blaming the universe or a curse on my misfortunate with men, or I could take responsibility for it.
I got to work, shadow work. I dove into my unconscious and brought into my conscious awareness my painful, icky limiting belief: the main male figure in my life didn’t want me and I was therefore abandoned and unlovable.
I looked at my little girl who was holding onto that truth, because for her it had been real, and I gave her love.
I looked at all that holding that belief had allowed me to receive, gain.
Having the belief that the main male figure in my life didn’t want me and I was therefore abandoned and unlovable allowed me to gain a fierce independence. I had gained incredible female friendships while many friends in relationships had less time for intimacy with other women. I had gotten to stay the fuck away from my deepest pain and that was worth it.
I acknowledged my responsibility and guess what happened within 9 months, I attracted the most committed, loving and loyal man I have ever been in a relationship with.
So my love I’m writing this not to point the finger and blame you for the pain you are in, but to call you into the truth that you have created the toxic cycles / situations you find yourself in because an outdated part of your subconscious believes them to be truth.
Because it is secretly getting off on that truth.
And if you choose to walk the path of shadow work, if you dive in and acknowledge that belief, recognise and accept the pleasure its been gaining from living out this belief, then I promise you, it will transform.
The more we resist the more it persists.
Stop resisting your shadow, be brave, turn around and look at it, acknowledge all it has done for you, and get ready to watch your life transform.
If you are ready to be led into your shadows then I am right here ready to be your guide. Contact me to enquire about 1:1 coaching today.
If you want to go deeper into the understanding of how your pain is a secret turn on I highly recommend the book Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliott.
