Eating Shame for Breakfast
Over the weekend I had a run in with shame.
It was early on Saturday morning, I was dressed in a paint suit, goggles on, face mask adorned and about to climb a roof to apply a coat of paint.
A few weeks ago I decided to make a massive $10,000 dollar investment in business coaching. Before making the decision I discussed with my soon to be coach the anxiety I felt around making this financial commitment.
He asked me to feel into what other work I was willing to do to reduce my anxiety so that my coaching experience could be most impactful.
My friend Sean has a roofing business, after telling him of my commitment, and my financial concerns he asked if I wanted to come help him out some weekends.
I said yes.
As I donned myself in head to toe tradie gear Sean and I were in hysterics, he took a video and my instant thought was to share it on social media, when suddenly shame swooped in.
I can't share that on my social media.
I can't let people see me doing this kind of job.
They'll think I'm unsuccessful, they'll think I'm a failure…
They won't trust me as a coach.
I got on the roof without sharing the video.
But as I stood up there spraying the plum purple upon the house of the cute Indian couple who continually brought us food and juice I got to thinking…
I thought about how people passing on the street would see me up there and whether they would recognise me as a small woman.
I thought how they wouldn't know who I was or that my true passion was for coaching female bodied beings to fall in love with themselves and educating them about their sexuality.
Then I thought about how many other people out there were probably working jobs that weren't their dharma (calling) as a means to assist them in getting there.
I wondered what jobs they were? Whether they served me and secretly thought while serving met 'if only you knew what I really love to do.'
Then I remembered how my teacher Layla Martin had told the story of selling classy chocolates in New York so she could pay the facebook and instagram ads for the first orgasm course she'd created.
Suddenly I felt the shame travel up my spine and I encouraged it to loop around my chakras, I breathed and a mild tremor began (I couldn't do a full body shake out as I was still on the roof).
My shame was being digested.
And soon pleasure took it's place.
I looked around the skyline from this high up view and felt genuine pleasure, gratitude and pride for the choices I was making so that I could make my dreams a reality.
My dream of creating an empire of a business, school and cultural revolution where female bodied beings fall so madly in love with themselves, reclaim their sexualities so fierociously that literally the planet is healed through love and pleasure.
And how did I get to this place of pride and pleasure?
By allowing myself to FEEL the shame that had arisen.
For me my shame didn't want me to share a video that could 'paint' me as unsuccessful,
For others shame is wearing baggy clothes to cover an unloved body
Shame is denying attraction to a certian gender
Shame is supressing a deep desire to explore taboo kinks
Shame is not getting pregnant after trying for months, years
Shame is the packet dye put over the increasing gray hairs
Shame is the hidden daily dose of anti-depressants
Shame is the affair once had or still going in isolated secrecy
Shame is not telling a partner how you truly feel and what you truly need for fear of being too much.
Supressed shame forces you to slice off and hide parts of who you are.
This is living a false, half life.
Whern there is only half of you visible to the world, to your friends, family, lovers…
Then there is only half of you to love.
And you will always feel in lack.
You will never feel the fullness of this life, the abundance of love and pleasure that wants to pour into you.
So how can shame be integrated?
Not by forcing acceptance and love upon the shamed parts. Certainly not by shaming the shame, that's a loop you don't want to enter.
Shame is integrated by being eaten for breakfast…
Look it straight in the eye, and feel it. All.
I AM ASHAMED!
Own it.
Roll around in it.
Take pleasure in it - I'm a dirty little shame sl*t!
(Get me to coach you through it!!!!!!)
Once it's digested…
It is gone.
And suddenly acceptance, pride for that which was shamed emerges.
Who we are and what we want in this life is not defined by any social standard.
We are unique, our paths are unique.
So much shame is born from the unrelenting, unrealistic standards that are forced upon us by this very imperfect society.
You get to do life your way.
I'm doing my life my way, I will have an empire that changes the world with my work, but before that day arrives, I will enjoy painting roofs, investing in coaches, doing whatever I choose to do to get there.
And fucking enjoying the ride.
What are you ashamed of?
Take the leap and share it with me!
Or reply here to book a discovery coaching session, and let's discuss how we can integrate your shame into pleasure and love.
XOXOX
Chloe
