Dear Men,

Feb 7

The following is written with some heteronormative language for the purposes of writing as felt natural. I acknowledge that there are more than two sexes and genders, and those who fit into such categories may choose to use different language.

The following is written from hetronormative viewpoint.

Dear men,

I want to share what you have meant, and what you mean to me.

A few years ago I couldn’t have imagined myself writing a letter like this, you see, I had always been drawn to you, curious about you, and full of desire for you…

Yet in one way or another you had represented a sex that illuded me. I couldn’t get close to you. And when I did you seemed to always hurt me, abandon me, betray me, disrespect me, use me, dispose of me or forget me.

To be drawn to something, like a moth is drawn to a flame, only to be burned by its beauty. I felt that the closer I tried to get to men the more I was being burnt.

I began to see you, man, as a collective being whom I could not trust.
Was not safe around.
Was not loved by.

When I grew plump with puberty you began to treat me differently. I felt that you too were drawn to me, and with excitement I moved towards your pull.

But again your love eluded me, instead I found that your kind man would grope me, shout slurs at me as I walked, stare at me uncomfortably on trains, send unsolicited messages, use my body, and never call me back.

I started to falter, becoming a woman who said things like ‘All men are assholes.’ ‘All men want is sex’, ‘Men can’t be trusted.’ ‘Men are game players.’

My anger towards you became a defensive shield that pushed me further and further away from you.

From that vantage point I had the illusion of being safe from you.

But within me, the separation was only causing me pain.

Then one day I began to embark on my healing journey.

And my core wound, the abandonment of my father, before I was born, was revealed.

I let myself feel the full force of this perinatal trauma. Letting the agony my little girl be felt. The little girl who couldn’t comprehend why she didn’t have a dad like everyone else.

I began to connect with my inner father.

I met him in a hypnotic process where he shyly stepped forward and revealed himself from amongst my inner guides. Telling me he had always been there, but could never reach me through my pain. That if I was ready to receive him, receive his love, he would always be there for me.

I began to meditate on imagining my inner father coming to support me in times of need. Sometimes he’d simply put his hand on my shoulder. He'd hold me on his lap while I cried.

He was always present, always available to listen, always accepting of the force of my emotions. He didn’t hide his heart from me, he opened it fully and I felt his endless love.

As my internal relationship with my inner father began to change, my external view of anger and spite towards men began to crumble.

I went to a heart singing workshop.

We were singing cheesy yet utterly wholesome heart songs when the instructor asked the women to make an outer circle and for the men to come into the centre.

He asked us women to sing to the men:
‘Thank you, I love you, I forgive you.’

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sing that I forgave them. Men were the ones who had hurt me so deeply.

But as I stood there paralised by the pain of my past, I watched the other women begin to sing to the men. I could hear how much these women meant what they were singing, that they truly loved these men, they forgave them, and they thanked them with their song.

I felt the presence of my inner father behind me, he told me I had a choice, that he supported whatever I chose.

With my eyes straining under the building tears, I took a breath and looked at the men in the circle.

Every single one of them was crying.

Crying to be loved by these women. To be seen. To be thanked. To be forgiven.

I saw them.

I saw how heavy the burden of being a man was when it came to the impact they knew their sex had had one women.

The shame they felt for things they themselves had done in the past.

Or shame for things they had never done, but simply by being alive in a male body - they represented.

As I watched the women's song cracking the hearts of the men my heart began to crack open.

I knew what choice I had.

I could continue to fester in my internal pain of hating men because of what some had done to me.

Or I could choose to love them thus set myself free. Set them free.

With tears streaming down my face I stepped into the circle and I began to sing to these men words I’d never imagined myself saying.

‘Thank you, I love you, I forgive you.’

And from that moment my relationship to men has taken on an evolutionary change….

I began to magnetise men of the most high calabra into my life.

Men who were present, men who were connected to their hearts, men who saw me, who listened to me and felt me, men who wanted to love me, protect me, support me and elevate me.

One of those men was my earth father, who I had begun to connect with for the first time in my life.

One of them was the most beautiful partner I have ever been with.

And when I set the intention back here in Melbourne to increase the male friends in my circle, they answered.

Now I can truly say that I know you men. I see you. I am not afraid of you. And that I love you.

I once read someone saying that women / female bodied circles were wrong because they forced a separation between two sexes.

But it is without doubt that I say this has not been my experience.

I had to remove myself from men so that I could truly forgive them, and learn to love them and be loved by them.

I pivot my work towards women, not as an angry feminist who wants to detach herself from the male species.

But as someone who wants the empowerment of women and female bodied beings to fuse a new relationship between the sexes, between all genders where we truly see one another.

Where we acknowledge the pain we have collectively caused one another.

And when we can truly mean it, because we have healed ourselves from within,

We say: ‘Thank you, I love you, I forgive you.’

If you'd like to heal your relationship to men, your inner father or the ‘masculine' get in touch with me about my Royal Coaching Journey which covers this topic in depth.