You don’t owe your body. You own your body.
You don’t owe your body. You own your body.
I, like many female bodied people, have a coding that has lived in my body, in my pussy.
A coding that tells me, my body has a bargaining price. My body is a service. My body should be offered up, in exchange for what is given to me.
I was being gently and sweetly courted by a handsome Israeli man for some days when he invited me to spend the night at his home.
I was tired, but the idea of cuddling was appealing, so I let him know, like a warning on my lips, that cuddling was all I felt like and agreed to his invitation.
When we arrived everything was normal and I felt safe and relaxed. His home was tidy, he lit candles, and went to the shower. From the shower he called out to me, inviting me to join.
An instant anxiousness rose in my chest at the invitation to join him in the shower.
If I showered we would be naked, if I was naked he would be aroused. If he was aroused he would want sex and I really was too tired for sex.
I declined the shared shower and said I preferred my own.
Then I asked him for a t-shirt and boxers so I could feel safely clothed in bed.
Getting into bed he embraced me in a hug and began to lovingly caress my arms.
My chest was constricted and I suddenly noticed I was slowly slipping into a freeze response of fear.
He asked me if I was okay, if I was happy being here?
Tears came to my eyes. I realised as I shared with him that I was extremely anxious because I felt like I owed him the transaction of pleasure because of being treated nicely and for getting into his bed.
I knew this wasn’t actually true nor what he’d said, yet in that moment my body was remembering all the times I had paid with my body..
Like the times I’d said I was tired but their arousal was stronger than my will power to assert my exhaustion.
Like the times I’d been given oral pleasure that felt like a gift, then my head had been slowly pushed downwards moments after the gift was ‘complete.’
Like the time I slept in my exes bed while he went out clubbing. When he returned late waking me for sex I’d told him I was tired and he replied that I shouldn’t have bothered staying the night if I wouldn’t have sex.
I shared the feeling inside me that I owed my Israeli lover something just for being there.
And he, the new type of man I attract into my world, looked at me kindly and sincerely said:
There is nothing you owe, nor need to exchange for being here, I'm just happy to be around you. I can move onto the couch if it makes you more comfortable.
Move out of his own bed and onto a couch for me. Wow.
It has taken me a long time to unwrite the codes that were written into my body and pussy that told me if I was indebted to someone, I owed them with my body.
This is common coding throughout our culture.
You pay, I pay.
You go down on me, I go down on you.
You cum, I cum.
But life isn’t an even or fair game.
Sometimes you give and you don’t get back. Because in truth one should never give if in the giving there is an expectation of receiving.
That belief in itself indicates an inauthenticity in the offering.
Betty Martin, an ex Sex worker now world renowned consent educator infamously teaches the difference between giving, receiving, taking and allowing.
When you give, you are in an act of service, giving in service to the receiver's desires.
When you are a receiver you are empowered in asking for what you want and fully receiving this gift.
When you allow you are in a state of empowered receptivity.
When you take with integrity you are permissive of that which arouses you while being present with the state of your allower.
Whichever form you take the contract is only in that moment, and that moment can end whenever one person says so.
Because you can always change your mind, you can always change your mind, you can always change your mind.
When we believe we owe our bodies, no matter the circumstance - when we give from that place of owing, we are giving away our power. We are giving away our sovereignty.
Allowing is powerful receptivity.
Owing is a disempowered lie that we have been fed and feed ourselves.
When I teach people how to self pleasure, I am teaching them to reclaim their power. In and out of the bedroom, alone and in partnership.
No one taught us about pleasure, no one taught us about consent, though thankfully consent education is becoming more popular.
If I, who have been working in the self-love industry for over five years, can still struggle to assert my boundaries, can still at times freeze with the old belief that I owe my temple, my body…then just imagine what is happening the world over.
What might be happening to you.
I want to invite women and female bodied people to learn how to pleasure themselves because when we learn how to listen to our body, listen to our pussy, listen to our pleasure…
Then we start to become attuned to what is our authentic action, our authentic yes…
Then we start to become attuned to when our inauthentic, coded belief that we owe our bodies has become activated.
Then we can drop back into the truth - that we own our bodies.
Do this however you choose, read books, experiment with your partner, follow my work or educators like me.
And if you feel like you want to dive deeper into this work with me, my course Self Pleasure Arts is running for the fourth time.
I feel proud to have created a program that cultivates empowerment, pleasure, sisterhood and safety.
I would love to see you join us this August, check it out here - the 7 weeks will be online, and there will be three in person classes available to those in Melbourne.
Because I know how powerful and necessary this work is, when you choose to buy it you have lifetime access to the materials and can rejoin the live online classes every time I run it.
You do not owe your body, you own it.
