IS IT TIME FOR HEART HEALING?

In the days that follow the Another Visit to the Stars event, I am humiliated, vulnerable, and afraid of what happens next. So, like many vulnerable times before, I decide that a man and his cock will surely penetrate away my need to face reality.

The man I find happens to look like Thor — dribble — and he does indeed hammer me for three days, though on the fourth night, while dancing in a dingy Portuguese nightclub he casually asks ‘Chloe you do you mind if I hook up with another chick?’

I am devastated, well that’s an understatement — I run out of the nightclub and wail in the streets of Lisbon screaming
‘WHYYY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO MEEEEEE?’

With a face of horror, Thor finds me the corner, requesting access to me as my friends guard me. He kneels down to mournfully explain that he had assumed I was a liberal, polyamerous being, and that he’d genuinely thought I would be happy with him kissing another woman.

The assumption strikes me…of course he believes this falsity. I portray myself to BE that woman. I don’t dare to show the soft, broken, vulnerable, and lonely side of me who so longs to be loved — who would hook up with her?

The next morning I awake with a hardening in my stomach and words from a dream whispering — Your heart chakra is blocked. Determined to make change, I intuitively google - Heart Chakra. I've been doing yoga for a long time and always hear about these chakras but it wasn't until recently I learnt that they can become blocked. My google search leads me to a FB group; Portugal Conscious Community.
Without thinking twice, I post:

I need help…I’m writing here because I don’t know what else to do. I think my heart chakra is blocked, I am trapped in a loop of getting hurt by men over and over again. I don’t know how to stop it? I don’t know how to help myself? Please?

I press post, and leave the house alone, again letting intuition walk my legs up the steep, cobbled streets until the place: a hairdressers. Walking out I feel 50% better with my shimmering, re-vibratised red hair. Continuing my destiny lead walk, I round the corner and spot a tattoo studio. Why not? An hour later, I leave with my membership to the Self Love Club.

A long time ago, my friend and I discussed that some people have to get cut down before they learn to get up again. She and I however, need to get cut down, spit on, trampled by elephants, and pissed on by an alley cat before we realise we need to GET UP.

This was my moment.

I was stinking of alley-cat-piss and I was ready to take a fuckin shower. My hair and my tattoo, as cliché as it may sound, filled me with a deep knowing that a time for CHANGE had arrived.

When I returned to my surprised friends and my iPad, I saw that a woman from Lagos had messaged me saying that she’d seen my call for help on FB. She was a healer and held personalised one-day retreats to work on blockages such as my heart chakra. It was too good to be true. I scrolled to her her pricing and the traveller in me gave a cough cough,
Hey gal, I know you wanna make a change but you just spent a lot of money on your visual transformation. Now you wanna travel all the way to Lagos and spend 150 euros as well? I don't think so.

So, I pushed the brakes on change.

After the rest of the crew had departed Zimbabwia, North Star and I took ourselves to a calm hostel with a pool. There, we simply took much needed recovery time. I spent a lot of time on my own feeling there was an unreachable rift between Zimbabwia and I. Finally one night the girls confessed how they were both still suffering from the Another Visit to the Stars experience. They needed time, but they wanted to make sure that I was okay?

It was horrible. Like something from the movies where you’re the unstable friend everyone has their eye on, waiting for shit to go down. After some days of rest, an event came up in Lisbon with a DJ we all knew and liked. Maybe some good old dancing will shake off this discomfort, we thought, and bought tickets.

Dressed up, I feel like my normal self again, until Zimbabwia says,
You’re not going to take anything today are you? It is a completely understandable question on her end; she’s just seen me in a state that even I don’t remember. She spent hours bringing me back to reality and she doesn’t want to do it again.

Regardless of the ocean of emotions the question has triggered inside me I tell her
I’ll be fine. I slap on a cute outfit and away we go.

Back once more in a humming techno crowd I just can’t get into the vibe. Taking a break from the dancefloor I bump into a Melbourne sister — Star Sister — she immediately senses that I am emotional and asks if I want to sit down. I hardly know this girl yet suddenly I am telling her all about my recent, fucked up, experiences of turning into a star, becoming the whole universe and believing that most likely I am going insane.

Hey, she says beaming, You are not crazy! You are having an awakening, you are a star, we all are. All human beings are made of stardust. I know because I’ve had the same experience, I’ve experienced what it feels like to be the infinite nothingness. We are all one and you are completely extraordinary.

Her words are like a river of angels singing into my ears, this cannot be true. Tears stream down my face as she reaches over to pull me in. For the first time in weeks, I feel safe, seen, and sane.

As Star Sister holds me, I sense someone coming towards us. Becoming self-aware of my dance floor crying, I release the embrace and find a woman standing over us,
I’m sorry to interrupt, but are you Chloe?

Yes? I stammer. I have no recollection of this curly haired, witchy-looking Portuguese woman. I’m Mayatitta, I wrote to you on Facebook about having a healing, I live in Lagos but this morning I woke up and felt a call to come to this event.

Star Sister grabs me by the shoulders laughing, Do you see now?! This is no coincidence you are not crazy, you are magical!

The tears are erupting now, Mayatitta holds me and gives me an ointment from her bag — This is a heart chakra oil that I always carry with me, take it. All three of us are embracing and I’m sobbing when North Star and Zimbabwaia come over to see what the hell is happening.

While I explain the days ‘coincidence’ meetings their pent up stress, fear and trauma turns to disbelief, then disbelief gives way to belief. Belief that every fucked up thing that has happened, just might be true.

I turn to Mayatitta. What are you doing tomorrow? I think it’s time for heart healing.

Thank you to my friends for always believing in me, even when it’s been pretty fucking scary.
Photo by @abundantlilly

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