I started 2024 in deep unworthiness
On the 1st day of this year I lost my self worth.
I experienced an incredibly beautiful yet incredibly challenging new years eve.
I awoke on new years day riddled with anxiety and shame, with stress coursing through my body and my mind reeling.
I kept looping negative thoughts over and over in my mind.
It had been so long since I experienced the visceral sensations of unworthiness
My solar plexus burned showing me that my worthiness had been compromised.
I spoke to many friends, they all showered me in love, warmth and acceptance.
In the evolved part of my mind I became aware that these looping stories of unworthiness were not true.
Yet another part of mind, my little girl, my wounded teenager - didn't believe it.
She cowered in the corner pointing the finger at herself and proclaiming, 'I am unlovable, I am not worthy, I will never be chosen'.
Having done so much work on myself to heal these wounds of unworthiness, and recognising this pain in many of the clients I coach…
I was in pain witnessing my own suffering.
My friends rallied around me, one friend held me from behind while I wailed in the river.
Two medicine sisters cleansed me with mapacho and put salt on my crown to ground my soul back in my body.
Another sister and her partner came into my tent and gave me a sound healing with singing bowl and didgeridoo.
I took myself into the forest to journal, drink rose tea and speak with my inner child.
And still I felt the heavy weight of unworthiness.
I decided to accept it.
Accept that this feeling was here right now, it didn't mean that it was true, it just meant it needed more time to integrate, to move through me.
Waking the next morning I returned to the river where I met a deeply embodied sister, I told her of my need to be in my body but my struggle at taking myself there.
She guided me through a re-wilding yoga process and encouraged my wild woman and Goddess to rise.
Suddenly I felt my energy lifting, I growled sticking my tongue out, I beat my pelvis upon the earth.
Where worthiness density had clouded me, I felt an unfurling emerging.
The sister coaxed the serpent up my spine and encouraged me to come home.
Transitioning into stillness, another sister and brother joined us and led us through a hapé ritual.
When the tobacco, a traditionally sacred grounding medicine, moved through my body the serpent that had been awakened alchemised with a blissful inner stillness.
I felt my whole nervous system return to homeostasis.
I felt my psyche finally clear, the voices of unworthiness departed.
The world around me literally looked brighter and more luminous.
There was no longer a doubt in my being that I, Chloe Adriana, was dripping in worthiness.
I was back.
I had no idea my 2024 would begin with going back into the darkness of unworthiness that I once existed in so completely.
But slowly I have realised how medicinal it was to go back there.
I am now grateful for my new years experience of unworthiness,
I remembered how much work I truly have accomplished to be able to feel the depths of worthiness I do on a day to day basis.
Though I never intended to take it for granted I was reminded just how amazing it is to feel such easeful self-love when so many people experience self-worth struggles every day.
I remembered how tender we human beings are, and how ultimately we will always have little ones who need our love and care.
And I remembered how the recovery of self worth requires a village.
You can tell yourself 1000 affirmations, you can read all the books and listen to all the podcasts.
Without the mirror of people around us affirming that they see our worth
Without guidance and holding from brothers, sisters and siblings
Without ceremony, ritual and release
It will either take a fucking long time to get there...
Or you may not get there at all.
Worthiness is an inside job that is assisted by the external world you call in, and surround yourself with.
I am so blessed to have the tools, friends and community to have brought me so quickly back to a place of inner harmony.
If you’re wanting to step back into your worthiness Queen, I invite you to come journey with me with 1:1 coaching.
