I Forgot I Was a Rainbow

I’m back and I’m a Rainbow…

I just took a well and truly earned two week break. I took it because I worked harder than I ever have in my life. I took it because I was exhausted. I took it because my best friend sat me down and had a stern talk about how I was going to navigate my work life balance.

And, I took it because to do this work with integrity I must embody what I teach, what I coach clients to become - to be Radically Radiant.

And it worked. I left Melbourne and cruised up the east coast with nine beautiful friends to integrate the year that was, and bloom into the year that will be.

What bloomed in me throughout our days of divine eating, luscious baths, massage exchanges, and heartful sharing, was a flower that has been lying dormant within me for many years.

A flower which represents the truth of my sexuality; that I am Bi-sexual / Queer / Fluid.

This is a truth I have been teetering on the edge of sharing with my audience for, well forever.

What held me back was what unraveled during my time off. You see, I felt that in order to come out, I needed a label. I needed to know what I was.

In high-school around the time it became cool to kiss girls, I seemed to be the girl for my friends' kisses. It was always unexpected and I never minded but back then boys were the main occupation of my sexual endeavors.

It wasn’t until my mid-twenties, when my desire for more diverse sexual experiences was growing, that I switched my Tinder preference to include both men and womxn.

I matched with a beautiful womxn and we met up. It was quite awkward and I certainly felt shy, but we hung out for an entire day until eventually we were on my couch making out and dry humping.

After that I had some more casual experiences with womxn but I never dared to do something more serious than that. I didn’t know how...I mean, I’d never been taught...

Then, last year when I picked up the book Women Don’t Owe You Pretty that I realised I was hetrefied.

The societies and culture I was raised in and continue to live in are plagued heteronormativity.

Every movie I ever owned on DVD cast the main characters as hetro-sexual, almost every plot included a romance between man and womxn, where most commonly the man chose the womxn. When non-hetro characters started to enter the screen they were either portrayed as a joke or highly sexualised.

As a young girl my favourite toys were Barbies. I had 20+ pussy-less blonde Barbie’s and one Ken doll. And what did I play all day: Ken chooses which Barbie he wants to marry / fuck.

My whole life any time I met up with older family members I have been asked ‘Have you found your boyfriend?’ ‘Got yourself a man yet Chloe?’

It has been assumed by the fashion labels designing my clothes, through the shows I have watched, through the role models around me that I should grow up a nice, hetro-sexual, young womAn. How Hetriying.

Coined by Florence Given hetrifying  is to feel uncomfortable and at times cringe when witnessing hetronormaitive behaviour that normalises gender-roles, sexism, homophobia, unhealthy relationship dynamics or abuse.

Of course I don’t know how to date a womxn. Of course I don’t know what my label is. Of course I have been terrified of sharing with the world that I might like to relate, date and mate with someone that looks like me. Of course.

I am going against everything I was ever shown, taught, preached and indoctrinated in.

And that doesn’t make me wrong.

I am determined to keep peeling back the layers conditioning that has been plastered upon me. And as I do I am coming closer to my truth.

And the truth that was unveiled to me, that asked me to unveil itself to you, label or no label…is that I am not hetro-sexual.

I do not fit inside the closed confines of that label, because fuck, I am attracted to womxn. And fuck, I am absolutely terrified to truly act upon that desire. But I know my fear is not mine, it is external hetrification that I am lovingly relinquishing from my identity. 

Last week I was true. I took myself out on a date with a gorgeous womxn.

Before she arrived I sat down and meditated repeating these loving words to myself:
I can date a womxn and still belong
I can date a womxn and still be lovable
I can date a womxn and still be safe
I can date a womxn and men and non-binary beings and still belong, be lovable and be safe.

I went on my date and it was like being 15 again. I didn’t know how to flirt, I didn’t know if we should kiss, I didn’t know if it was going well. And then I realised what I had forgotten...

I forgot I was a Rainbow. A being of multidimensional colours, compositions, expressions, interests and desires, and so I allowed myself to be.

I hope sharing has touched you right in the place it needed to touch. I would love to hear from you if you have had a similar experience, or are like so many others hetrified. I highly recommend reading Florence Givens book Women Don’t Owe You Pretty.

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Chloe Adriana

Image by Daniel Quasar from the project “Progress: A PRIDE Flag Reboot”