The first time a man tried to worship me
first time a man tried to worship me I could not receive it.
We'd met at a party, he was totally gorgeous, the most handsome and charismatic in the room.
He brought me back to his house, and when we arrived he:
Offered me water
Lit a candle
And led me into his beautifully kept room which featured a wall sized painting of a forest behind his bed.
It felt surreal.
All men I had sex with till that point had literally no class or romance in their process of bedding me.
Suddenly with this Adonis, I was in a scene from the movies,
a scene part of me had been longing for, yearning for, craving…
And yet, I just…couldn't receive it.
I was awkward, I felt genuinely uncomfortable. Like an imposter.
I felt like it was a lie and a trap and that at any moment he would drop the facade, or worse, he wouldn't…
I wanted to just get to the f.cking, something I was comfortable with.
I never heard from him again that night.
Today I look back on that younger self with sadness.
Sadness that she couldn't receive the worship she was being offered.
Sad that she truly didn't believe she was worthy of it.
Sad that to be worshipped was so unfamiliar, while as to be f.cked quickly and unceremoniously was the familiar norm.
I also look back at that memory and wonder what would have happed if I had fully received his desire for devotion, if I allowed him to worship a goddess the way he seemed to want too.
Would he have called?
Knowing he had been in the presence of a Queen who knew her worth?
Like this question, there are endless moments and memories from our past we can pick apart and analyise.
But the only thing that really matters….right now.
Right now, if someone tried to worship your body, your being.
If they brought you flowers, took you for dinner, and lay you upon a bed - would you be able to fully receive it?
Could you let yourself be gone down on for an hour, without worry or consciousness or need to pay them back?
If you desire to move from unworthiness and playing it small with lovers and in life, to move away from resistance to receptivity and magnetise relationships or uplevel current relationships into a place where worship is common place, then I invite you to join me on a 1:1 coaching journey.