I fell to my knees in utter despair
Finally alone, I burst into my house and let out a painful wail as I fell to my knees in utter despair.
We had been dating for eight months.
On our first date he had told me “Whatever you do don’t fall in love with me.”
Then, I didn't know about anxious and avoidant attachment styles, but he was the quintessential avoidant man and I was the quintessential anxious woman.
“Whatever you do don’t fall in love with me,” should have had me turning and walking away immediately…
Yet my self confidence, self worth and self belief were so low that I believed I was lucky to be able to date him at all, and my ‘needy’ wish to love and be loved could wait.
Throughout our eight months, everytime we grew more intimate with each other he would push me away maintaining our distance.
I wasn’t allowed to kiss him goodbye, because it was too intimate.
One time I held his hand in the street and he threw my hand away telling me off for the public display of affection.
Each rejection pained me deeply, but I kept going back.
I kept letting myself be treated this way because I thought that’s what I deserved - my self confidence and self worth was so low.
Then one night we were in a nightclub one night, he was angry at me and wanted me to understand that he wasn’t mine, so he took another woman home in front of me.
When I finally made it back home from the nightclub, my chest ripping in excruciating pain, I wailed on my living room floor.
Knowing that, I could never let myself be treated like that again.
Self confidence is one of the greatest challenges for women and female bodied beings in our modern culture.
Many women live in a constant state of low self esteem, an insidious, crippling feeling of low self worth which can cause an array of negative impacts on their lives such as:
Feeling unworthy of being liked
Looking at the world negatively
Excessive fear of failure/perfectionism
Difficulty hearing criticism or positive feedback
Overfocus and insecurity about one’s weaknesses
Negative experiences / trauma
Worry /anxiety / depression
People pleasing/poor boundaries
Difficulty identifying and expressing your needs
Overly concerned with how others perceive you
Feelings of anxiety, depression, shame, or inadequacy
This is why, for me, feeling like a Queen, the archetypical embodiment of confidence, is not just some modern day fad.
My passion to restore the stolen confidence within women and all gendered beings is because having low self esteem literally impacts your entire life's trajectory.
Not having the backbone to back yourself in this life ripples through the everyday and into symptoms like:
consistent inaction
Lack of resilience
underachieving
staying in unhealthy or unsatisfying relationships and friendships
not daring to pursue your dreams
Self abusive behaviours with drugs, alcohol, sex and self harm
When I lay on the living room floor in agony that night, I was ultimately coming face-to-face with just how little I respected myself to have allowed such pain to come from me, from someone who was always going to hurt me.
When I took responsibility for my actions and began to work on my confidence and worth, that is when my life began to change course.
Having worked with thousands of women on restoring their self confidence it is now clear to me that low self esteem is not something we are born with.
It is something we learn.
And anything we learn can be unlearned.
Our soul's truth is that we are born in a radiant light of self confidence, a confidence that is not egoic but pure.
One that knows that this body, this life, your dreams and desires are sacred and worth fighting for.
The crippling darkness of low self confidence is a brutal, deeply challenging thing to face.
But when we are restored, back into a lived experience of self loving, self compassionate confidence our whole reality shifts, our whole can change in the light of self confidence.
I have created a self confidence meditation for all those who have experienced or are experiencing the crippling impact of low-self esteem and lacking self confidence so that you can begin to rewrite your inner script and become confident to live the life of your dreams.
In my Restoring Self Confidence meditation we move through a somatic shaking process, into a visualisation and complete with a sacred embodied dance to the song I Remember by my soul sister Larissa Gosla’s hauntingly beautiful track- an invocation to remember who you are.
This meditation is a doorway, a first step, or perhaps a recalibration for the times when confidence slips away.
The invitation is to use it whenever you need, to do it for a committed amount of days in a row e.g. 7, 14 or 21
Enjoy it, share it, embody it.
Restoring Confidence Meditation