You know how when you go away on holidays you can become this whole other person and do things you might not do at home? Well I did that, but in my home.

It's the start of the holidays and I have that awful realisation that I have no one to call on for day time fucks. So, naturally, I got my tinder on, found a dirty hippy Brazilian and had, what I imagine to be, typical South American fun. (Had some soreness with number twos that week if you get my drift. Look if you don't, theres no helping you, okay we had ANAL.)

Friday - After a nice rectal relax I saw the Brazilian again, this time I could not quite handle his sexual appetite. After round two I just had to ask for a cool down. We were talking about sexual fantasies and I said mine has always been to have a threesome. He, like a kid who just found out they got to pick their puppy for Christmas, suggested we search for one together.

Saturday - I spend the day messaging Tina, a girl from tinder, who wants to hang out. Thought I'd give all things a go these hols. That evening at a friend's, I hear about how my promiscuous pal and her partner use an app called 3nder (yes threesome tinder later updated to 'feeld') to have all their threesomes. I have every intention of going home at 12:30, then suddenly it is 10am and I’m walking out of Revolver. On my way out of the club I share a cab with an AFL player and almost get him to ruckman buck me.

Sunday - Doom day. Running on no sleep and unable to sleep I download 3nder, I play all day and rack up some pretty sexy couples who wanna do pretty sexy things to me - for example 'human-centipede.' I’m excited, I set a date for Thursday with Mr and Miss Centipede.

Monday - I finally meet up with Tina, we have coffee in the morning then dinner in the afternoon. She is 21, very mature, and hippie-esk. We drink wine, talk about life, then make out on the couch like two experimental school girls. I give her nips a lil suckle for fun times.

Tuesday - Whilst baby sitting, a hot solo guy from 3nder and I get chatting about the app and its prospects. He comes over that night to give me a demo of how he would bang should we have a threesome. It’s not bad.

Wednesday - rest.

Thursday - Mr and Miss Centipede want to confirm with me and I think, fuck it, what’s one more for the week? I meet Mr at a bar as Miss is running late. It is about a 5/10 tinder date - we are awkward and dry. Then the beautiful Texan Miss arrives and the date becomes a 10/10 with Mr also improving as a human. With his new confidence after wine no. 2 he says ‘Shall we go back to ours?’ So off we go in their Jeep. At theirs' we have more nerve-calming wine until finally Mr says ‘So, let's go to the bedroom?’ On the way to the bedroom we start undressing each other, kisses are dispersed evenly, Mr and I are gone down on, it begins a kind of rotation from there, yup me giving to both parties, cya pussy-lickin virginity! Once we all felt adequately licked/sucked, I jumped in an uber and took my experimental ass home.

So yep, I have had an outrageous home holiday, I love threesomes, and I have not one single regret. I love exploring my sexuality.

OH - and I discovered: the girl outside of the relationship in a threesome, is called a ‘Unicorn.’

Guys. I am a Fucking UNICORN!