I used to do a lot of drugs. I used to do a lot of drugs at doofs (festivals in the bush), raves and parties. I didn't start taking them until I was 23, which was late by comparison to the many people I'd known to be doing them for years. 

Until I tried drugs at a rave in England, I had been quite petrified of them. These things I'd only known through commercials of dirty bathtubs filled with bleach and other unnamed chemicals - 99% likely to kill you.

But then I tried MDMA and…my perspective rapidly changed.

It was like cupids arrow had struck me 10,000 times. I was IN LOVE with everything and everyone. I felt so wide, wide open, so able to see the beauty of everything and everyone - my cab driver included. That my mind decided that something which makes you feel this good, can surely not be bad.

And so for the next four years I integrated drugs into my life.

Being illegal it was a strange kind of initiation. No one actually taught me, I just kind of met people and tried the new drugs they had, took as much as they recommended, as often as they recommended. 

I never knew where the drugs came from or what was actually in them.
But they made me feel things I'd never felt before. I could let go on a new level. I could meet people in a new unfiltered way. I understood musical rhythms in such great depth, my body moving me in ways I'd never danced or expressed before.

Yet, as my twenties continued on and the complexities that come along with being in your twenties mounted - Uni, career, desperately seeking a boyfriend, finding out you have a father and three sisters - my use of drugs to amplify a party turned to using drugs 
in order to party. 

I started loosing sense of my self without drugs and without guidance my consumption became reckless. And that recklessness eventually lead to my rupture (read more here).

That rupture was the a turning point of my life. As I wailed and screamed, spinning off into an alternate Universe in a spiritual awakening and psychotic episode, I was kept safe and on this planet with the help of some Festival Well-Being Angels.

It is because of that experience, because of those Festival Well-Beings Angels that I too have been called to serve at Doofs and Festivals.

This weekend at the most sweet, and delectable festival  - Nest Among the GumTrees - myself and my dear sister Catriona, lead the Patron Well-Being team.

Our role was to be present, to watch, to be a safe space, to hold the Doof revelers without their even noticing.

But they did notice. All weekend we were met with gratitude for our service, with exclamations of disbelief that it was 4am and no we haven't taken any drugs. And yes we do dance wildly as a sober people.

People noticed us and even if they didn't need us - our presence made them feel safe. When people did need us we took them to a safe place and allowed them to feel whatever the fuck wanted to be felt - no sensor - no judgement.  

I did not stop taking drugs to begin judging those who take them. 
Drugs were of great service to me and my life's journey.
But what would have made the many insights drugs gave me easier, faster to digest, would have been some guidance. Some support. 

I believe one of the reasons people turn to drugs because it is an accepted modality to express your truth - be it your wild dancing nature. Your witty hilarity. Your outrageous, sparkly wardrobe. 
I believe the light side of drugs are so greatly highlighted that the dark side is swept under the carpet. 

No one is taught how to deal with themselves of their friend when drugs lead us into the darker truths. A truth of deep fucking sorrow. A fear of being judged. A wretched and agonising truth of loneliness.  

Drugs can be a portal into all sides of ourselves, we do not need them to access these sides, it can truly be done while sober. But, if we choose to take them, to let our minds alter and reveal, then we must know how to hold each other when the light becomes dark. 

We must be initiated. We must face the truth that where there is the potential for extreme light, there is the potential for extreme darkness. 
And neither is better than the other.

I no longer take drugs in order amplify a party, nor in order to party. I hardly take them at all. But when I do, I know for sure I am surrounded with people who know how to hold me with care - hugs - and love.