Spontaneous vs Responsive Arousal
He slipped his tongue into my mouth and suddenly I was dripping.
Spontaneous VS responsive arousal is something I wish everyone knew about.
We live in a culture that models only one type of arousal...you guessed it, it's the kind we see in porn.
The kind where we are wet and ready the moment the plumber knocks on the door...
And look, sometimes we are wet and ready - aka spontaneously aroused.
But other times, we are responsively aroused.
Meaning we do not feel a state of arousal / don't feel ready or even interested in engaging sexually until...we respond to stimulus.
I had invited him back to my house for the afternoon but I genuinely didn't know if anything sexual was going to happen.
Having tuned in with my pussy I knew that while she wasn't wet, pulsing or pulling me towards him she still wanted him in my bed, there was an interest and a curiosity that wanted to be followed.
I invited him to please caress my body.
Responding to my request he massaged my chest and face...and while he did it I tracked my body for how the sensations changed.
It felt, safe. Not aroused. Not repellent. Just relaxed.
I noticed that even though he was touching my breasts I didn't feel like he was 'taking' anything from me.
He was truly, purely giving.
This surprised me as so often in my experiences with men, when they touch me, even to "give me a massage", I can feel that they're doing it for them.
That they're doing it because they expect something in return.
Feeling no pressure or expectation from this man I looked up at him and asked
"Are you aroused right now? Because I can't feel it at all."
"Yes, I am very aroused" he replied. "I'm just containing my energy."
And with that, suddenly I felt my body responding to him, opening like the beginning of a flower blooming.
After practicing cultivating, containing and circulating my sexual energy for so many years- it is a new form of arousal for me when I can sense that someone is on my 'level' sexually.
He asked if he could kiss me and I enthusiastically accepted.
It was, hot.
I had gone from curious but un-aroused, to full blown arousal once that trained tantric tongue entered my mouth, proving its arousal.
As our journey escalated we kept the communication open, he asked before progressing his hands, his type of touch.
I requested him to slow down, to speed up, to move.
We breathed together to slow our arousal down.
And after I had been thoroughly worshiped, I held his cock and heart until he cried...literally - but that's another story - next week perhaps?
If I hadn't known how to communicate with my body I may have believed that my lack of spontaneous arousal meant there was no connection between me and this beautiful tantric lover.
But this experience extends to many relationships not just the fleeting.
Many partners believe that because they are no longer hot for each other like they used to be, that the desire or spark is out.
The truth is that desire and arousal changes.
It changes as our life changes, our emotions, our fertility, our connection, our work, our rest...
Like holistic healthcare when we look at the full picture of our sexuality we can begin to understand our bodies messages, needs and wants moment to moment, partner to partner.
So I wonder. Are you more used to experiencing spontaneous arousal or responsive?
Have there been moments of intimacy you've missed because you didn't allow the time for responsive arousal to arrive?
Want to learn more about sexuality from me and other sexperts?
Come along to Enlightenment in the Bedroom November 4th
We can't wait to welcome you to a night of insight, fun and fabulousness!